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So... here @ work, the Management has recently installed one of those individual coffee/tea machines on every floor.  It really was quite an experiment in social behavior to watch what happened once they plunked it down on the counter and all the natives began to approach and try it out.

First, there were no instructions.  The erudite/experienced among us figured out how to work it, and passed this knowledge on to others.  Various times during the day you could enter the utility/kitchenette room and overhear someone teaching another what to do.

People tried out various options.  Chai (w/ or w/o latte option), English Breakfast, various coffee strengths, herbal teas.

The Coveted:  Milky Way latte (or Chococcino). 
Lots of ooohs and aaahs for this one.  Always disappears once it is refilled.  To be fair, this was the very first thing I tried.  Meh for hot chocolate overall; insipidly sweet.  Calorie content = 90% sugar 10% fat.  Floor calorie consumption soars.  How many people will gain weight drinking a couple of these puppies a day??

Vaguely curious if the installation of the new machines would coincide with an increase or decrease in productivity... hmm.

My Boss grumbled about the new "water cooler" effect the machine has already had.  Too many people in the little room socializing now.  He's right.  There's almost always 5-6 people in there at any given time.  The place is always buzzing.  (Also probably because everyone is more caffeinated).

More options show up the second week:  Earl Grey and green tea.
These are probably my mainstays.  Still haven't tried the coffee options.  Probably won't.  I HATE Coffee-mate. (Hey, that rhymes!)  Need light cream or half/half.

Sidelined with another sinus upper respiratory thing.  Laryngitis took my voice away and gave me a nice chesty cough.  ='(
Feel sleepy and unmotivated and a bit drugged (because I am).

Meh.  Earl Grey + honey!

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I've been very lax about posting on my journal, yes indeed. 

Lately I've been so preoccupied with the current Shakespeare Co. play production that I haven't had much time to think.  Even when I have, my thoughts are entirely disorderly and I simply cannot focus long enough to collate them into something cohesive.  *sigh*... I suppose I'm not a very good multi-tasker.  I become stressed easily without some long breaks in my schedule.  When I do finally find I have a bit of time to myself, it seems my mind just races around from topic to topic like some kind of epileptic slide show.  Flashes of things I am concerned about, dwelling on, need to remember, etc.  But I can't seem to settle on thoroughly thinking through any one of them.  They're all crowding in at once.  So, I usually just wind up trying to distract myself, or otherwise wander about restlessly.

No wonder I'm bone tired.  =(

Taming O' the Shrew opened this past weekend.  I was really concerned we weren't going to pull it off this time, but somehow, it all did miraculously come together in the end.  I praise the gods with all my heart for whatever Muse interceded on our part!  There are certainly some glaring weak links that I wish weren't there, but what can you do when you're (technically) doing community theatre...?  As much as we aspire to greatness, we're still about inclusion for the most part and some of it can't be helped, I suppose.  (ie:  Ugh.  The Servants just can't seem to get it together!!)

So, first weekend down.  Two to go...

I am rather looking forward to this one being over.  It's been much more grueling on me personally, and more difficult to muster the necessary enthusiasm to push through the doldrums and setbacks.  I confess I've probably had less fun on this than usual.  Winter's Tale had a similar dynamic, but was not quite as demanding of my focus.  A few times along the way this time around, I'd wished I could simply pack it in.  I felt over-invested; like the demands were sucking the life out of me without providing enough of a return.  And of course, the weather is beginning to get humid out, which further drains me.  I really can't tolerate the heat.

Here's hoping I can post more soon -- I have actually been wanting to flesh out some trains of thought that have occurred to me.  Maybe this week...
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Over the past weekend, I ran into a woman I went to both grammar AND high school with.  In grammar school, we occasionally played over each other's houses, when younger, but drifted apart during puberty.  She went into the fast-track (popularity, school government, letter sweaters, cheerleading and dating), while I drifted into anonymity and became pretty much a social nonentity (I didn't clique at all).

So.  There we were both in the Dunkin' Donuts on Saturday morning.  I totally blanked.  What do I have to say to someone I don't really feel I was ever close friends with, daresay don't have much in common with at all?  Sure, we shared a common physical institutional education, but our experiences of that time and subsequent 20+ years have been vastly different.  In that 5-10 minutes of "Hey, how ARE you?!" and then, "Uhh..." what is there to say?  She has the husband +2 kids, stay at home mother/homemaker thing and I'm working, ambivalently single, and involved with a Shakespeare theatre company which has pretty much become my entire world of social input.  I have loads of free time, relatively few committments, and no desire for a family life nor children.   I'm just not very rooted in the entire social milestone thing, as I've elaborated here before.

I guess when I see someone from my past, and/or someone whose life is so starkly different from mine, I falter a bit.  Like I really can't help but be made aware that I'm defying convention.  Perhaps if I were really happy with all the choices I've made... perhaps if I were totally on board with the way my life has gone... granted some things are great.  But some things, well, it's all I can do to keep my head above water.  I just don't have a clue how to get from point A to point H.  I wonder whether I'll ever get the hang of things... 

Fortunately, I was there with the director of the play and we had a ready excuse to leave, so I didn't have to linger too long in the awkward blather I heard myself saying.

Of course now..
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Today's journey home after work didn't really begin well.

The El train was arriving just as I reached the turnstiles; no one was in the booth to take my ticket, so I had to run.  >=(
I made the train, but it was overcrowded.  I decided to get off @ the next stop and wait for the next train so I waited ...and waited ...and waited... Grrrrrr!

Finally, I just gave up, knowing the next stupid train would be WAY overcrowded and ran up the steps to the free interchange with the trolley line and took one.  Got off @ 19th and walked down 20th to mollify myself with gelato to soothe my annoyance with mass transit...  Red grape sorbetto and burnt sugar gelato... MMMMMMMMMM.!

Saw that guy who looks like a young Stephen Colbert again on the local train on the way home.  Well... backup... saw this guy a few weeks back on the way home first.  Ironically, it was the same week that Stephen Colbert was doing the Colbert Report from U of Penn.  Very strange.  This guy has the same haircut and glasses.  I'm sure he gets comments all the time.

Kinda cute too.  Which worries me a bit that I may actually find Stephen Colbert attractive.  =?
But married.  I looked for (and found) the ring on the appropriate finger.

Anyway... today this guy's on the train w/a Britney look-a-like.  I was insatiably curious that she might be the wifey.  But alas, no.  She didn't have a ring, and got off on my stop, while he remained on the train.

I monitored my immediate reaction to her.  Fake tan, salon blond with no hair out of place, color-coordinated, coutured/stylish with all the appropriate adornments and accoutrements, perfect makeup, nails.  She fiddled with her rings and checked her phone habitually.  I thought overall she had that "plastic" mien that I find rather superficial.  Vaguely haughty.  Cool verging on dismissive.  Not natural -- coiffed to a level of specific presentation.

Did he work with her?  Ugh.  I was way too curious.  I kept looking over @ him (them); occasionally, he'd catch my glance.  And of course, I'd quickly look aside... which really was total impulse b/c I was wearing sunglasses and he'd never see where my gaze was anyway!  (Of course, turning my head quickly made it obvious!)  Entertainment!!
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So... I'm officially irritated about Taming of the Shrew.

The director doesn't seem to trust me to do the part and keeps haranguing me about doing such and such exactly *this* way, to keep lowering my voice, and keeps cutting back the only "big" speech I have, so that the end result isn't at all effective.  Meanwhile other actors can actually add more lines, rework their blocking, develop their own characterization without tons of interference and are able to proceed at their own pace in their performance.

Today, she sends me an email with more cuts in my lines (which don't make much sense, don't flow and remove much of the funny parts) and a whole bunch of "suggestions" about altering my performance.

I'm just about fed up.  If I can't seem to get anywhere reasoning with her this last time, I'm actually thinking I should just quit the play.  She seems to want such specifics, I feel hamstrung as to make the role my own.  I get the feeling that she wants to model the role after something she's seen done -- hence no real leeway to create my own version.

It's just not fun right now.  And these issues don't seem to ever be resolved.   >=(

Fundamentally, I feel like she doesn't want to allow me to come up with my own bits and explore the part in my own time.  The focus she's put on this role (it's rather a minor one actually) is really grating.  Look, I'm NOT getting paid, I didn't realize the director would be so nitpicky about such an exacting performance and if I'm not going to be having fun doing this, I really don't see the point in doing it at all.
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What American accent do you have?
Created by Xavier on

Mid-Atlantic. This is what everyone calls a Philadelphia accent although it's also the accent of south Jersey, Baltimore, and Wilmington. Well, everyone that lives near there, that is. Outsiders can tell you talk differently from them even though they can't tell what your accent is.

If you are not from there, you are probably one of the following:
(a) A New Yorker who, unlike most New Yorkers, rhymes "on" with "dawn"; or
(b) A Yat from New Orleans.
You are probably not from Eastern New England or the Great Lakes area, and certainly not from anywhere in the West or Canada.

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 I guess I’ve lately been in more of a reflective state of mind, cogitating, whenever I have found myself even momentarily unoccupied. Working things out inwardly, rather than ready to put them down in print. But eventually, the ideas do synthesize into a body of thought and I feel the need to actually SEE what they look like pulled together.
Backtracking: Last August, quite by accident, I rediscovered socionics. After a bit of “relearning” the applications of intraverted and extraverted functions, I found my MBTT type is still my socionics type: INPF (MB) and socionics INFp/IEI (intuitive ethical introtim). According to socionics my “ego” functions would be introverted intuition (1st) and extraverted feeling (2nd). Working with this platform, I’ve been watching myself use these functions pretty effectively, without realizing I have been doing so. Conscious attention has been key factor. In fact, I’d taken a kind of “brain sex” test to determine male vs. female cognitive strengths and came out surprisingly functionally balanced (not male or female, actually). One of the problems assessed emotional awareness – accurately perceiving emotional expression in pairs of human eyes. Shocked myself with a result of 9/10 accuracy. Indeed, that made me realize that if I was really that good at reading people for emotional expression, I should probably trust myself more on that ability and stop doubting my impressions. 

To go even further along, I’ve been able to see how this process is clearly using intuition to read emotional cues/information. It occurred to me that in all likelihood, this is also my fundamental “survival” strategy, so it would behoove me to trust it to do its job efficiently. Also, I realized I need to stop getting in my own way by imposing my “wishes” on perception. That is, I see that my desires interfere with my ability to make sense, adapt and respond accurately to what I perceive. If, however, I raise my impressions to consciousness without attempting to impose any “wishfulness” regarding their motivation, I don’t cloud matters. I never realized the extent to which the way I perceived things and the way I wanted them to be were so inextricably bound together. No wonder I never trusted myself. Information should not be conflated with idealization. And it’s really remarkable how this kind of awareness makes perception much more effective and “clean”. Free of influence. 

Piecing together disparate information items like nonverbal cues (tone, gesture, position, etc.) along with context, actual spoken statements gives a person a much bigger picture to work with. The whole truth really is elusive, however a well-honed intuition makes a formidable tool for navigation.
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Yes!  I'm back due to popular demand!  (well-- at least for the one of you who inquired after my absence!)

I have been around, but busy with our most recent play, The Winter's Tale, which ran the last two weekends (Jan 11-13 and Jan 18-20).  I didn't have a large role this time, so it was not as taxing, but still required a bunch of my time.  It didn't seem like the play would come together, until it actually did at some nebulous point during the last week of tech-type rehearsals.  Whew!  What a relief that was.  The director was different, didn't seem to pay much mind to the fact that Shakespeare might require more attention to detail than a regular play, and didn't seem to know what to do with our performance space, which is something like a "round-thrust".  Not proscenium, where audience is strictly before the stage, rather audience is arranged around the perimeter and performance is in the middle.  Entrances come from "voms" referred to in a clockface terminology (ie: most of my entrances in this one were from "9".  I rather like it, as does the overwhelming feedback we've received from audience.  Very intimate, allows the audience to feel involved with the action, rather than merely watching from a distance.

I had two smaller supporting roles, which involved a costume change from female to male.  One was a lady-in-waiting, so a dress for that, and the other was a Lord of the court.  My Lord getup was really so fab; military-esque black and dark grey with new black high boots I'd bought just this season, red accent notions and wait for it... a cloak!  A warm grey wool-like traveling cloak (I was the emissary to Apollo's oracle at Delphi!).   Really cool.

Many of our friends and actors from previous performances came to see us!  It's really quite wonderful to see this group evolve.  Gradually building an appreciative audience, who really are impressed with us doing Shakespeare in our comfortable little space.  Knowing I've been an important motivating factor for the Company is really rewarding.  My heart is really in this... and it's good to have something you're passionate about.

So... anyway... over now.  =(

Next up is Taming of the Shrew (in May-June).  Not one of my favorites, certainly not my choice, but of course, since actors are all attention-seeking by nature, I will go out for Katherine.  Some stiff competition for this role, I think, but I'll give it my best foul-tempered sneer.
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A crisp clear wintry day outside!  Last night was a full moon and it was brilliant.  So bright, it cast unearthly glow and visible shadows!  Marvelous!

Had a whirlwind of a weekend.  Saturday, the Winter Solstice, btw... I braved NY City with my friend Kim and went to see the (technically "off") Broadway production of Shakespeare's Cymbeline.  Oh how wonderful, t'was!!  Myself, I've only seen a single play before in NY -- not nearly the grand scale of this production!!  The play is one of Shakespeare's "late romances", which tend to combine elements of comedy and tragedy, and usually incorporate a magical or fairytale element as well.  This production had more than a few notable stars: Martha Plimpton, Michael Cerveris (from the recent Broadway Sweeney Todd), John Collum (whom I knew mostly as Holling the bartender from Northern Exposure), Phylicia Rashad (yes, from The Cosby Show).  And there was a quite versatile British actor, Jonathan Cake, in the role of Iachimo, the play's Iago-like villain.  HE was really a pleasant surprise.  In one particular scene, where the stage drops and then rises again with the actors in a "Roman sauna" set... they're all sitting around in towels.  Cake, as Iachimo, obviously wore NOTHING beneath his.  Yes, we looked VERY closely!  ;-)

Speaking of our seats, I'd made sure we got really fabulous seats.  Second row from downstage left.  So close that we saw spray when the actors spoke!  And it seemed that all the asides were performed directly in front of us.  Seriously, I could go on and on at length about the fabulous sets and costumes and of course, the huge golden eagle that descended with the god Jupiter during the dream sequence!  Quite spectacular!!  Well worth the $$$!

After the performance, we decamped to a Japanese bookstore, Kinokuniya in Bryant Park.  Apparently legendary for its awesome manga and anime stock, it seemed like the perfect Mecca for my friend and I (who are both anime aficionados).  Then to sushi, which just seemed the logical choice after the bookstore.  One of the Japanese cashiers directed us a cozy restaurant on the other side of the park.  Sapporo (Japanese beer) and sushi!  Yum!

And then we were SO ready to go home at that point.  I always find NY really, truly exhausting.  Bone-tiring in fact.  Waiting for trains, commuting like cattle, fighting your way through the throngs... ugh.  We also ventured into the NY subway system too.  WOW.  Talk about bewildering!  The thing with NY is that you can only do two or three things and then the day is over.  It takes a crapload of time just getting up there and then getting around.  Every time, I resolve to get up there earlier the next time, but it never seems to work!

At any rate, next time in NY, perhaps the Met or the Cloisters!  Kim is a very fine compatriot and eager traveling companion!
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So... the Shakespeare Co. held our very first Annual Holiday Bash last Friday, December 14.  I took to calling it the Saturnalia myself, looking for something a bit more exotic.  (Didn't really catch on though).

Pretty successful, altogether!  Many people came.  Much food and alcohol was consumed!  Pretty good cross-section from the last few plays.  Didn't nab any of the lapsed cast of the first play, but eh.  Whattya gonna do, right?  A big catch was that our King from All's Well showed!  He'd dropped out of playing Prospero in Tempest, and we really thought we'd never see him after that.  None of us would hold ill feelings, but it seems kinda common that someone who dropped out of a role would feel awkward about returning to the group later on.  There's more than a few people I doubt seriously we'll ever see again.  But t'was a good time had by all -- I made a very impromptu "Winter's Tale" (our next play) punch with a bottle of grappa (the play takes place partly in Sicily) and some Sicilian lemon soda, colored blue with a bit of curacao and embellished with lemon sherbet.  It was a BIG hit with everyone!  A not-too-sweet punch with just the right amount of "punch".  =)

Some people had RSVP-ed and didn't end up showing, and some just didn't show, no word at all.  (More on that later).  

I've also been having to take many vacation days this month rather than lose them, so I was off Friday (12/14) and Monday (12/17).  Monday ended up being a non-stop-shop-til-I-drop day.  Hence, most of my urgent Holiday gift shopping is now complete.  Was tiring, though.  Holidays this year have been more difficult than ever before in the way of getting motivated.  I'm seriously becoming a grinch.  The sheer commercialism and obligation just really make me entirely stubborn.  There's a kind of inertia that's really difficult for me to overcome.

At any rate, it's already been a busy weekend and week so far.  Had rehearsal on Sat.  Then, went over a friends to cookie-bake on Sun.   Went to rehearsal Monday night (just for fun-- I really didn't NEED to be there) and we have a "Board" meeting tomorrow night.  I'm really still only on the Board because a few of my friends are.  And Douglas.  (Our director of the last two plays and co-president).  I indulge in a little hero worship 'cause he's just so cool!  He's like the dad I always wanted!  My friends think I'm hilarious!

In the next play, I've carved out my very own brief little scene!  Two small parts total -- Emilia (gentlewoman to the Queen) and Cleomenes (fetcher of Apollo's oracle).


*yawn*... Tired now.  Other interesting things beneath the surface, but I'm going to wait until I see how they play out a little more before I discuss more openly...

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I've been poring over things again lately.  Going over the past and the present, turning certain experiences over in my mind to try and see them from different perspectives.

For example... I am rarely pleased with a photograph of myself.  99% of the time, they seem entirely unflattering, just another reminder that I don't measure up favorably to whomever I compare myself to.  In fact, beneath that fear of being unattractive, is the belief/fear that I simply don't deserve someone who loves me for me.  "Me" simply doesn't feel like anywhere near enough to hold anyone's interest for long.  What can I really offer any attractive, interesting, supportive guy that some other woman 10 years younger, prettier, and sexier doesn't?  There's my instant sense of always feeling "less than" and underestimating any impact I could have on anyone.  But sometimes, I can look at myself and see an attractive, supportive, interesting person who IS just as valid as any 20-something.  My validity isn't even really the issue; rather, it's what any individual person VALUES.  

And there's nothing I can do to sway someone if our values don't overlap.

Been thinking about this very "natural" kind of attraction and physical contact that I've had with a few guys in the past.  With Dave.  It seems he was drawn to me in a certain way -- a kind of tenderness that I valued immensely, that felt so fulfilling, so special between us.  It didn't even occur to me that he might not value it as I did.  In the end, I had to assume it simply didn't mean as much to him, perhaps he never even consciously thought about what it meant at all.  Comfortable, but not "bonding" him to me in any significant manner.  But for me, that kind of comfort was highly prized.  Something I still seek; an instant trust and rapport.  An ease of being with someone else that I've never found common; a rare flower that blooms once a decade or so.  A flower I can't seem to hold...

I don't know what it means, really.  A yearning that I can't seem to satisfy.  Something rare that is all elusiveness and brief candles.  It appears, just to vanish with no path to follow to seek it again.  

I am left grasping with an empty palm.


Nov. 15th, 2007 01:25 pm
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Evasive maneuvers

Venus Opposition Chiron VenusOppositionChiron, exact at 22:10 
activity period from 14 November 2007 to 15 November 2007.

During this time, it may well be that you hide yourself away somewhere to avoid having to deal with the tension between your desires and your anxieties.  Or perhaps you give in to your desire, but only half-heartedly, so that you get only half of something in the end, which is not what you actually wanted.  This quality of time can indicate where your difficulties lie, ie: in acknowledging your desires and completely giving yourself up to certain experiences.  You will perhaps ascertain that this has to do with an insecurity or feeling of inadequacy of yours.  That is why you should find out which experiences you actually avoid -- then you can make a conscious effort to share these experiences with an understanding, sympathetic person who will not injure you anew. 


I'm really familiar with that feeling of insecurity and inadequacy.  I often feel I'm just not substantial enough -- not physically, but that I don't make enough of a deep impression to hold anyone for long.  That maybe no one could really love or care about me too deeply.  I worry that people I like, people I really care for just pay me too little thought overall.  And it seems too easy to just forget someone who simply isn't around you often enough.  Times like this, beset with these thoughts, most of my ties just seem so fragile and tenuous.  Like they don't hold up under fire, or testing.  It can be so difficult to have faith in my friends, in the future, and of course, in myself.

The dream about the abandoned farmhouse -- sounds so much like a representation of me to some degree.  Unoccupied, still, untouched.  Especially untouched.  And I worry so that I can't seem to change my condition regarding that "untouched" state to any significant degree.

Or else, I feel I have no choice but to simply wait, helpless, not knowing what the future holds.
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I finally gave in to the Dark Side... and purchased a cellphone.  Woe me!  I succumbed to the pressure of convenience and connection!

Am a bit disappointed in myself... but hope it opens some new options.  A new chapter...

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When I woke up this morning, my hair still smelled of chiminea!

Our cast party was last night.  Yes, the second and final weekend of Tempest is done.  The show is now over.  Sad!!  Sad!!  But we really did go out on a very high note.  Every one was in reveling spirits.  We all put our hearts into the last performance, I think.  It really was palpable.  And the audience was the biggest we'd had the entire run.  Had to add extra chairs!  We carried over all our good feelings into the afterparty.  Eating, drinking, carousing, sharing laughs!  I do wish it never had to end... but all good things, you know.

Will DEFINITELY miss the kissing.  *sniff!*  =(

But I took with me a very good sense/omen for the future.  Don't know exactly what that means, but I'll certainly find out one of these days... 

Absolutely, I feel such a fabulous sense of cameraderie with our core cast members.  Everyone is so different and has their own charm.  I love that they're all so distinct, so interesting in their unique ways!  And yet, we all connect so intensely with our shared love of acting.  I guess I never thought I'd feel so good being included in any group.  I never was a joiner -- but these people are all passionate and fierce creatures.  Auspicious stars that burn so brightly!!  Most of all, I love that I have something so wonderful to share with other people.  People that want to be involved and connected.  (With me, can you believe that??).  And I want to be a part of them... with all my heart.

Most significant to me, is that we all always talk of the future with each other -- what to do next, when we'll meet, endless possibilties and options.   It's really so comforting to know there's always something around the corner to look forward to.  And that there are people who need your talents, and want your company...!

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Well... Tempest opened last night!  

Pretty good crowd, especially for a miserably bitter torrential downpour Friday night.  Of course, it was not without mishap -- circuit breaker blew, leaving us without some lighting and sound somewhere in the midst of the second Act, couldn't find the $%@&-ing part in the curtain to make an exit from one of the scenes, a few jumped cues, a couple long pauses, but generally, a successful opening.

After initial jitters, I think I settled into a pretty good creative tension.  Always feel I can do a scene *more* effectively, but putting that aside, I guess if the audience appreciates the performance, that's all that matters in the long run.  In a way, a performance at its best is a sincere offering.  The ideal taps into something Universal.  Something always to aspire to for me... now to keep the momentum going!

Other events that happened last night (during and post-show) have me caught up in thought.  Feelings that I'm attempting to decipher and unravel.  I know it's dangerous for me to think too much.  Yet I can't help but feel sometimes that I'm being swept along by events.  I wonder what I really want, I feel hesitant about the future, unsure about the trajectory and wonder if I need to brace myself in some way.  Lately, I've just been surrendering to the current.  Defusing my resistance, schooling myself in acceptance.   Sometimes, though, there's a sense that the waves could very quickly be over my head, and I could suddenly be trying very desperately not to drown.  While I'm certainly more familiar with the feeling of coping with situations in which I can't seem to get what I want, how much more unfamiliar would be a scenario in which I do gain something significant?  Then I'd really have something to lose.

How would I know what to do then?  Perhaps The Tempest is indeed in effect.
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Sudden urges
Moon Square Pluto SquarePluto, exact at 12:16 

This influence can have many different effects, some of which you should be quite careful of. To begin with, it encourages compulsive behavior; your emotions acquire so much momentum that it is difficult not to give in to sudden urges and impulses that may not be good for you in the long run, particularly if you have been trying to suppress your feelings. This influence is least difficult if you deal with your feelings honestly and do not try to hide them from yourself. On the plus side, however, this influence allows you to go inside yourself and find out what you really want in any situation. Emotional self-analysis is very effective now, as long as you are willing to be honest. Encounters with others may also force an emotional self-confrontation which is useful, even though possibly unpleasant. 


Um... totally almost did something really rash last night!  Whoo!  Thanks, Moon Square Pluto!!  (But, of course, my omnipresent fear of rejection pulled me back from the brink at the last moment.)

Oh yes, we had rehearsal last night in our performance space for the first time... emotions were running high and wild, obviously... AND Ferdinand was shirtless and pantless.  Mmm hmm... really a sight.  Can't be helped that I wasn't in possession of my faculties.  I was blinded by sheer lust!! 

Naked flesh confused me!!  I cannot be held responsible for my (almost) actions!

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I've always firmly been an Idealist, but "Realistic" elements have gradually insinuated themselves into my personal philosophy, making it extremely difficult for me. I'm intensely conflicted about love and intimate relationships, infusing them with idealism, but not quite able to have any faith in that idealism manifesting. I want to believe this kind of love is possible for me, but frequent disappointment has seriously bled my formerly bright Idealism into watercolors in many places. I've become both hot AND cold internally. There is no happy medium.  No lukewarm. 
Still too idealistic to be a realist.
Not realistic enough to surrender my idealism.

'Tis an unhappy day.  =(
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Your Score: Lonely Heart

You are 30% Independent, 40% Idealistic, 70% Intimate, and 100% Indulgent!


The Lonely Heart
Dependent, Realistic, Intimate, Indulgent

You are the most misunderstood of hearts, the Lonely Heart. Your desire for love and your want of harmony and intimacy are all very loving qualities. At the same time you are very down-to-earth, which may present a more cold or hard demeanor than you actually possess. Your qualities are all of the quieter types, so you may be shy, leading to difficulties in love, which is hard for you, being so caring as you are. You want love, but your realistic nature may work against these more idealistic desires.
pairika: (Default)
Last week, I had an epiphany driving on the Platt Bridge.

I'm aching for *real* revolution in my life.  And I find myself deeply envying people I see who are fulfilling their dreams, living their lives spontaneously and intensely.  My envy seethes inside when it seems it's just so easy for them to pick up and DO, whereas I dither, put off, and wait for something to happen.  I'm at that point that I crave different.  Not just me experiencing.  I want to experience someone else who will change my paradigm, someone who can shake me up, shake me out of stagnancy.   

I need a real catalyst.  A juggernaut.  A positive force to be reckoned with...

People have sometimes told me that I'm attracted to the "wrong" people.  But, I have never really believed that true.  I'm always attracted to what I feel I need in my life.  And I don't think it's ever inaccurate.  After years of waiting, playing safe, being careful, I want to really encounter someone to teach me to let go.  Someone who SEES me and desires to free me from fetters and straw dogs.  Not someone entirely reckless (like Tom) and undirected, but someone I can place trust in, who will stir me to think LESS to experience more.  A whirlwind of fire and air to catch me up in.  Someone that I can willingly surrender to without fear.

I'm tired of this fear. 

Perhaps a tall order, but it's really so simple.  I do all the work!


Sep. 28th, 2007 08:52 pm
pairika: (Default)

Not at all obvious

During this time authority figures and close relationships, especially old ones from the past, are most likely the objects of your revolt, if you feel it necessary to rebel. You will be much more easily angered than usual, because you quickly interpret everything as a threat to your ego. Above all else, you feel that you must assert your ego in your own highly individual way. And if you have been unconscious of the need for creative change in your life, you are likely to be quite explosive. Sometimes, however, the "explosions" happen to you, which is a sign from your environment that you need to break away from something, although what that is may not be at all obvious. An accident can be the sign of frustrated ego energies transmuted into destructive powers.

Mars Square Uranus MarsSquareUranus, exact at 20:27 
activity period from 26 September 2007 until beginning of March 2008. 


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