i am so full of businesses...

Monday morning... *yawn*... Successfully survived the opening weekend!!  I had two performances in the lead this past weekend -- Friday night and Sunday matinee.  

Friday's performance was sweltering.  Mercury reached 95 F outside and we all were roasting in our non-air conditioned play space (must have been close to 100 in there).  Costumes and changes, fans that did nothing to alleviate the heat and humidity, not to mention all the exertion and movement just combined to make it rather extremely challenging.  One good thing -- I was way too hot and wilted to actually be nervous about opening night.  Somehow, one can't maintain anxiety when one is listless... Nevertheless, Mom and my married friends came out despite the muggy hotness to see me perform.  As it was, the play seemed to go quite well.  Most people commented that they enjoyed this play moreso than 12th Night -- All's Well being more substantial in some ways -- and that costumes and set pieces were especially impressive.  A bunch of strangers stopped me during intermission and post-play to offer accolades for my performance as Helena.  Found that particularly encouraging and satisfying to say the least!  S'one thing when it's your friends or family (though still thoughtful), another when it's an appreciative spectator that is just inspired by sheer enjoyment!  

I felt good about the night, although completely exhausted and drained of energy afterwards.  My sinusitis is still working its way out of my system and my ears are now congested -- hearing isn't 100%.  A few times we were advised to speak up to be heard over the fans, but having the hearing deficit, I wasn't really able to judge how loud I was.  Despite the exhaustion, the cast all decided to go out and celebrate our first successful opening!!  As well, the air conditioning blasting at P.J. Whelihans was a dearly welcome blessing!!  We decompressed and cooled off with beer and snacks.  I was really ravenous, having not had much of an appetite leading up to the weekend.  Haven't really been able to stomach full meals, I guess due to anxiety and anticipation.

And -- it's official -- I've got a real live crush... bleh.  (Like I really need one now).  It's the guy I mentioned before -- tall, blue-eyed and rugged.  Not to mention, likely unavailable.  He's a really big flirt for sure, but it seems his dance card is way full.  He's alluded to a "harem" of sorts; available and willing nubile females at his beck and call.  Though he's tried to play this down in front of us, it still seems like it'd be a somewhat daunting obstacle to surmount.

all impediments in fancy's course are motives of more fancy...

Ugh.  I'm well aware that I have a tendency to fantasize... somewhat unrealistically and rather reflexively.  And now that I have an object...

Yesterday, I actually got to kiss him.  Kinda pathetic that it was the first one in, I must confess... years.  I guess I'm also embarrassed that I find myself dwelling on it over and over.  Like delicately holding something really precious and significant.  Turning it over and over in my mind.  I really think it highly unlikely he feels anything, though... probably just a brief casual event in the line of duty (acting!).  Goddess, I'm such a goof.  Like I've been unaware of starving for such a long time, and a simple single action reawakened a voracious appetite.  Shortly before the kiss, we were backstage together, peering from behind the curtain to watch the hilarious interrogation scene.  He stood so close behind me, practically enveloping me.  I could hear his soft breathing, his head above mine; and I actually felt his body heat.  I got dizzy and lightheaded; swooning with sheer delight and delirium!!  So ridiculous!  Like my private little secret shame... he'd surely think I was so sad to be obsessing over this!  I'm such a giddy little high school girl!

On one hand, I love that I can still find such immense pleasure in small things; but otherwise, I realize it must simply be due to my severe lack of stimulation and physical contact with the opposite sex.  One small event and there goes the flood of hormones right back in full force again.  Back into fantasy mode, desire, desire and more infatuated desire... Honestly, I never want to outgrow this, it's so thrilling, but it doesn't seem like it serves any real purpose except eventual frustration.  I guess it's just the curse of being a romantic.  Lovely that such stolen moments prompt such intense reactions, but it's just those responses that seem to horrify "normal" people.  My intensity just seems to cause the more pragmatic objects of my affection some unease.  My strong "intuitive feeling" trait... could it make them feel completely out of their depth??

Ulp!  I want!  I need!  I crave!

then i confess...

Um... also found myself once again buying pretty "delicates" in Victoria's Secret on Saturday.  How long has it been since I even vaguely thought I wanted to feel sexy and feminine?  (It's been years since I last crossed the threshold of Vickie's Secret.)

Oh, this is a slippery slope I tread...