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pairikaUgh. I'm well aware that I have a tendency to fantasize... somewhat unrealistically and rather reflexively. And now that I have an object...
Yesterday, I actually got to kiss him. Kinda pathetic that it was the first one in, I must confess... years. I guess I'm also embarrassed that I find myself dwelling on it over and over. Like delicately holding something really precious and significant. Turning it over and over in my mind. I really think it highly unlikely he feels anything, though... probably just a brief casual event in the line of duty (acting!). Goddess, I'm such a goof. Like I've been unaware of starving for such a long time, and a simple single action reawakened a voracious appetite. Shortly before the kiss, we were backstage together, peering from behind the curtain to watch the hilarious interrogation scene. He stood so close behind me, practically enveloping me. I could hear his soft breathing, his head above mine; and I actually felt his body heat. I got dizzy and lightheaded; swooning with sheer delight and delirium!! So ridiculous! Like my private little secret shame... he'd surely think I was so sad to be obsessing over this! I'm such a giddy little high school girl!
On one hand, I love that I can still find such immense pleasure in small things; but otherwise, I realize it must simply be due to my severe lack of stimulation and physical contact with the opposite sex. One small event and there goes the flood of hormones right back in full force again. Back into fantasy mode, desire, desire and more infatuated desire... Honestly, I never want to outgrow this, it's so thrilling, but it doesn't seem like it serves any real purpose except eventual frustration. I guess it's just the curse of being a romantic. Lovely that such stolen moments prompt such intense reactions, but it's just those responses that seem to horrify "normal" people. My intensity just seems to cause the more pragmatic objects of my affection some unease. My strong "intuitive feeling" trait... could it make them feel completely out of their depth??
Ulp! I want! I need! I crave!
Yesterday, I actually got to kiss him. Kinda pathetic that it was the first one in, I must confess... years. I guess I'm also embarrassed that I find myself dwelling on it over and over. Like delicately holding something really precious and significant. Turning it over and over in my mind. I really think it highly unlikely he feels anything, though... probably just a brief casual event in the line of duty (acting!). Goddess, I'm such a goof. Like I've been unaware of starving for such a long time, and a simple single action reawakened a voracious appetite. Shortly before the kiss, we were backstage together, peering from behind the curtain to watch the hilarious interrogation scene. He stood so close behind me, practically enveloping me. I could hear his soft breathing, his head above mine; and I actually felt his body heat. I got dizzy and lightheaded; swooning with sheer delight and delirium!! So ridiculous! Like my private little secret shame... he'd surely think I was so sad to be obsessing over this! I'm such a giddy little high school girl!
On one hand, I love that I can still find such immense pleasure in small things; but otherwise, I realize it must simply be due to my severe lack of stimulation and physical contact with the opposite sex. One small event and there goes the flood of hormones right back in full force again. Back into fantasy mode, desire, desire and more infatuated desire... Honestly, I never want to outgrow this, it's so thrilling, but it doesn't seem like it serves any real purpose except eventual frustration. I guess it's just the curse of being a romantic. Lovely that such stolen moments prompt such intense reactions, but it's just those responses that seem to horrify "normal" people. My intensity just seems to cause the more pragmatic objects of my affection some unease. My strong "intuitive feeling" trait... could it make them feel completely out of their depth??
Ulp! I want! I need! I crave!
