Mar. 19th, 2007

pairika: (Default)
Recently I read an article about leisure time -- the gist questioned where all that extra leisure time promised by advances in technology went.  It went on to list top leisure activities as reported by Americans.

Top of everyone's list:  sex.  (No surprise)

It was then that I was reminded how completely off the chart I am.  My confession?  I don't really miss sex.  At least not the reality of it.  But I really do dearly miss my fertile romantic idealizations of sex... 

And I've been having more dreams about ex-loves.  I guess they'd actually be more accurately classified as anxiety dreams.  So far, I've had about 3 or 4 different ones, each starring a different ex.  The common thread is that I seem to be encountering them again, now perhaps, years later.  They have wives, children, families, settled conventional lives.  And I'm still me.  Single, solitary, hapless.  The ex ends up sneering at me, flaunting his ability to move on and have a real mature happy life -- pointing out what's *wrong* with me, why he's not surprised that I'm still alone, etc.  I've woken up a bit on the distressed side.  Not disturbed or distracted, but I've definitely been given pause to think.  I've been turning these impressions over and over in my mind -- certainly ruminating on another level of thought.

I guess I just find myself still clueless.  I have pieces -- awareness that I'm committment-averse, socially avoidant and fiercely protective of my autonomy and independence.  Admittedly, I'm not skilled at compromise and smoothing waters.  Prone to defensiveness at times... but does that preclude me from relationships altogether?  Am I really so entirely as undesirably awkward as I feel sometimes?  What crucial bonding element am I lacking?

Meanwhile... despite my best intentions and strategic efforts, I meet no one really promising.  And somewhere in the recesses of my peripatetic mind, I fear my best days are behind me.  My best chances expired.

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pairika

November 2008

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