pairika: (Default)

So, last night I revisited one of my past lives...

After a fabulous (as usual) and sumptuous meal of mucho sushi with my friend, we went to Barnes & Noble so that she could seek a book on impressionism for her painting class.  My old haunt.  My Dave days.  Strange how 10 years can melt away and everything of that time becomes once again vivid when you're back in the same place, the same smell of the store.  I ran into the manager, whom I've known since that time.  We chatted briefly and I asked if she'd heard any news about anyone.  I'm sure she knew very well I was fishing -- she didn't disappoint.  Told me Dave had been in (she refers to him as "David") with his NEW (ie: second) wife.  She then added that she really doesn't see him or communicate much with him anymore, because he seems to never change.  We all "grew up and he didn't", were her words.  (I don't know how much she really believes that.)  At any rate, I nodded and said I recalled that he was going to get married last I knew -- but she said he didn't end up marrying the one he was last living with (for 6 years!).  Someone else entirely!!! 

So, the history goes, Dave goes out with psycho-girlfriend for 4 years, gets engaged, marries her, divorces her after 6 months, shacks up with girl he met in class for 6 years, moves to Connecticut with her, after years of waiting, she finally gives him ultimatum ("We get engaged and go to couples therapy or I leave you"), he hooks up with someone in his teaching job, leaves previous girlfriend and marries new one.  Really.  Not a joke.

What can I say, but that I just don't get it.  The manager also added that he looked good but "beaten down".  I'm left to ponder what that really means.

She also mentioned another "former" friend is doing great.  Got promoted.  Is living in a great new apartment and his boyfriend has a great new job too.  I used to know those things about him before anyone.  A long time ago, it seems.  I know I shouldn't feel inadequate, but it's just that sense of being left behind.  People move on.  While I don't think I'm in the same place, I don't ever get over the sadness that accompanies reminders of people that you "used to know" well...

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Talking to a friend at work today about events of last night's rehearsal, she pointed out that some people simply don't think about the meaning behind their actions.  ie: they act and react according to unconscious motives.  Of course, I find this very difficult to comprehend, as I'm almost always keenly aware (often painfully self-conscious) of my actions, intents and am usually quite careful not to give the wrong impressions.  I'm not inclined to touch someone carelessly, casually, especially if I think my intent will be misinterpreted.  Not to mention, that I simply don't "touch" easily (hence, personal space issues).  Physical affection, public displays, small intimacies... always difficult to reach toward someone and not fear that he will reject me.  Sometimes, of course, it's natural.  There's simply a sense that the other person welcomes and reciprocates the feeling.  When I'm not sure, I refrain.  Sometimes, I touch tentatively and observe the reaction.

This train of thought brought to mind my experience with Dave, maybe a month or so after we had spent a mere couple of outings together.  I was working one night in B&N, and he had come in to visit.  He walked up behind me while I was shelving and embraced me, leaned in and kissed me gently on the temple, affectionately called me some pet name.  We weren't technically involved.  He had a girlfriend.  Yet, I didn't feel he was being inappropriate in any way; but of course, I pondered what it meant.  So free -- so close, so quickly without any hesitation.  He wasn't that way with anyone else.  At least not to that extreme.  It was curious... but I loved his ability to touch me so easily.

Much later, I questioned him about it.  What would prompt him to do something so intimate so readily when we hardly knew each other?  He shrugged and furrowed his brow in groping for a reason.  He told me he didn't know.   "But it just seemed natural...", he finished.

He really never questioned the meaning of his impulse.  He just acted.

Difficult for me to grasp... my friend this morning went on to say that confronting someone acting via unconscious impulse inevitably pushes them to acknowledge hidden feelings, intentions.  Setting off questioning about themselves, not the least of which is how someone else can perceive something about themselves they don't.  Reminds me of another person I once knew who told me I say things that force people to deal with things they're not ready to deal with...  I don't mean to be arrogant when I question how someone can be unaware of their own feelings.  But I suppose there are just some that aren't inclined to search for meanings in their actions.

Which leaves those of us who do to ponder...
pairika: (Default)
Self-assertive energies:

Mars in the 5th House 5, from 14:32 
activity period from 8 September 2007 until beginning of April 2008.

Valid during many months:  Above all else, this is a time when you will demand to be yourself and to express to others what and who you are. You are filled with energies that want to cry to the world, "I am!!"  You will not be especially inclined to self-denial, discipline, postponing self-gratification, or taking a back seat to another.  However, this is not a conflict-laden time unless your self-assertive energies are totally denied by circumstances or you give them no expression.  However, it is much more likely that these energies will be expressed in a playful and sportive way.  In fact, any athletic activity, if you are so inclined, is an excellent outlet for this influence.  In love relationships, this influence signifies that your desire nature is rather strong, that you know what you want and will try to get it.
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On further thought, I wonder whether I just get upset at all these admonitions to be "careful" because it seems like the speaker is negating/overlooking the fact that someone I want is actually ATTRACTED to me.  The important thing to me is that I find someone interesting AND interested, and I don't want to be dissuaded or discouraged.

To some degree it feels like being told not to feel *too* good about something exciting.  And there's also the such a "long time coming" thing for me.  I wait for so long for someone to come along that I can actually feel thrilled about and suddenly everyone is telling me to put the brakes on.  More waiting?  More carefulness?  So I strain to be free of limits because it seems I endure so many for years.  

I feel I deserve the reward of a little romance without poring over drawbacks.

Certainly, I'm aware that my romantic adventures seem to be feast-or-famine.  Long periods of draught that move imperceptibly into periods of intensity.  I'm prone to lose my head and rush in -- but I'm also not 20 anymore.  It's impossible to be as idealistic as I used to be.  I'm aware of downsides and caveats.  

I just want to be in the moment.

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When I was in high school, I was somewhat naive.  Slow developer, didn't kiss anyone until I was 17... yadda, yadda, etc.  In my senior year, I finally began to get a bit more confident about the opposite sex, about lots of things, but still not familiar with the ways of men.  Still not "experienced". 

There was a guy in my class named Chris LaRosa.  Really cute, smooth, flirty and in the drama club.  He was in my homeroom as well as physics.  In physics, we sat rather near each other, so got to chatting about tests, homework, etc.  Before one test, somehow the topic of studying together outside of school was mentioned.  (Whose idea?)  Needless to say, I was really excited that he'd sought me out -- and gushed to my friend Lauren about my amazing news.  No, she wasn't enthusiastic at all, didn't share my excitement... all she did was warn me sternly that he was known for being promiscuous and that I should be careful not to let him take advantage of me.

My reaction?  Fury.  Defiance.  

I felt like she believed I couldn't make my own decisions, like she was admonishing me as though I was a helpless child who needed to be told better.  Like I couldn't handle the consequences of my actions.  My first thought was to make sure we met, just to SPITE her.  I guess I can be pretty defiant when people try to put limits on me.  I really can't stand the wagging finger in my face.  Even proverbially.

At any rate, we exchanged phone numbers.  He called later and we arranged to meet at the county library, second floor at a particular date and time.  In the end, all that occurred was studying, anyway.  I'm not sure if maybe he was looking for some sign that I was receptive to an advance.  And maybe I didn't know that.  I still don't know what the secret sign is, actually.  Either that, or I'm just unwilling to throw myself at a guy obviously enough.  I prefer subtlety, really.  Too suggestive leaves no room for imagination.

Anyway.  I guess my point is that I don't feel I need to be told to be careful.  I'm already too careful.  I'd really like someone to encourage me to take more risks.  I love that friends care enough that they don't want to see me get hurt, but in the end, it just feels like they're pouring cold water on my enthusiasm.  And there's always the paranoia that they know something I don't that they're just not telling me...

In the end, their good intentions just cause me to think, worry and doubt myself more.  And I do that enough. 

I haven't been intimately involved with someone for 3 years.  Isn't it about time??
pairika: (Default)
He's not moving!!  =)

Those of you who know what that means will likely be happy about that turn of events too...  And we had a very, um... shall we say... productive rehearsal tonight.  Nothing concrete in the way of actual side hijinks yet, but more intense in-scene caressing and body-to-body contact.  

GODDESS, someone will just have to kill me if I don't get some satisfaction at some point eventually.  It's almost sadistic to get someone this worked up and not give them some gratification!!!  Ugh!  I swear he is SUCH a tease.  I just know he's enjoying this way too much, seeing the effect he has on me.

He even went a little ad lib and got a bit forceful at one point.  I swear, if Douglas wasn't there... I might have been prompted to get a bit aggressive myself.  gRrrrrll.

I'm so pent-up.  Not fair!  NOT fair!!


In other, nonsexual news... my lovely red iPod Nano arrived safe and sound yesterday.  It's just the coolest little thing.  There's even tiny little album covers that appear on the screen!  So cute!

Going on a day-trip with a friend early tomorrow to a gem show in Lebanon, PA.  Should be just the distraction I need right about now...
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Bought a new iPod.  It's red.  My fave color.
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Had to make a very necessary trip to IKEA yesterday....

You see, I have this reading floor lamp... an old thing I acquired during one of my many oh-so-long ago trips to the auction by which I furnished my apartment (and most of my house also).  Who knows how old this lamp was, but I know it's at least 15 years that it's been in my possession alone.  About a month ago, the switch broke so that it would no longer  "click" on/off.  You'd just turn it til it was on and vice versa.

Saturday night, however, I woke in the middle of the night to find it on.  Could have sworn I turned it off.  Anyway, got outta bed and turned the doohickey until it was out.  Ambled back to bed.  No sooner than I'd laid down, then I found it had turned itself back on!  And that was that.  Lamps turning themselves on by their own cognizance is simply not permissible.  It will be on the trash heap tonight.  So, off to IKEA for a cheap replacement. 

Anyway... the replacement cost $9.99 and looks pretty much the same ('cept more modern).

Forced myself to call my romantic lead to schedule a rehearsal (per our director) for us this Friday..  Thought it would be easier, since it wasn't really solely my own lame initiative, but still made me acutely anxious.  God, he's monumentally busy.  I don't know how he doesn't fry every nerve with all his work committments and aggressive leisure time.  I'd be a basket case.  Surely, I can't stand that many demands on my time and attention.  My mind requires much decompression between efforts.

So, we're in agreement that side rehearsals will be needed.  Whenever his schedule permits.

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Had a panic attack last night.

First one.  Don't recall ever having had something like that before.  Came outta the blue, woke me up out of a sound sleep.  At first, I thought I was having another episode of gastroenteritis (like the one that sent me to the hospital last year).  Felt really similar.  Sweating, heart racing, nausea, antsy, dread, felt like I couldn't breathe, wanted to go somewhere, but couldn't really think straight.  At first, I just went into the living room to get a drink from my water bottle (had left it there) hoping that would help.  Then I felt like I might upchuck so I went back toward the bathroom to "prepare" myself.  Wasn't sure that was quite it, so I simply lay down on the bathroom floor on my back.  Stared at the ceiling, repeating softly to myself, "This will pass, this will pass..." and shortly, the fear did begin to subside.  I felt it ebbing away and went back and laid down on the bed.  My skin began to feel cooler and I could again feel my ceiling fan.


I guess it's just a bunch of stress reactions that I've been suppressing for a while.  Don't know what specifically.  Maybe the fear that I'll be single forever?  That I have NO clue what I'm ever doing in relationships and don't seem to ever have an actual opportunity to work through it?  Never caused me to bolt upright in the middle of the night before.  (Although there was that time when Tom sleeping draped over me made me feel like I couldn't breathe).

And then to find out today that one of our main cast members is dropping out of the production.  Am I psychic?  Or are these two things likely unrelated?
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Lately, I've been brooding about my lack of access to cool new music.  Used to have some kind of network for locating new artists, but somehow just don't have that anymore.  Radio stations and "charts" have become useless.  So much wading through drek to find something good... Most recently, my music taste has derived from movies and television (even commercials!)

I remembered hearing about free online "music recommendation" sites a while back.  Found a few after much dedicated browsing yesterday...

This is the cool thing:

Put in an artist you especially like and they'll play a "radio station" all composed of similarly classified music.  So far it's really fabulously accurate!  I put in "The Smiths" and they've played about 7 related songs (some actual Smiths).  Gotta warn ya, they'll probably make you register -- but it's free and their library is really HUGE.  Quite a goldmine for the passionate music listener.

I can't really describe my sheer delight with this new toy in words!!  =)


pairika: (Default)

So... I've been thinking recently how there's a movie coming out based on the "Watchmen" comic book.

Basically, I became more intimately acquainted with the comic book oeuvre while in college.  My college bf had a group of friends (mostly on the geeky side), who were generally intelligent, and as a whole, interested in off-beat things.  Like comic books.  One of them introduced me to the world of Watchmen, Swamp Thing, Sandman, Black Orchid and all things Gaiman.  We'd have a comic book run every few weeks or so up to Riverhead, where the closest comic store was (bout 1/2 hr away from school).  Got to be an event.  And I began hoarding comics.  (No surprise).

So here I am, years later, with no one to share this particular interest.  And that's typical actually... when I think about it, I've got scores of these kinds of "orphan" interests that I adopted when I was friends (or even closer) with someone significant to me.  I've eclectically added to my own interests with each person I've known to a greater or lesser degree.  Really, I'm an interest "collector", just as much as I collect any one thing!!  While I'm kinda proud of the fact that I'm multifaceted in this way -- and it always gives me TONS to reference at any given point -- I'm sometimes at a loss to share my enthusiasm with someone else.  The person that influenced me has generally LONG moved on.  The interests that I acquired from them remain, like points on a map of where I've been and who I've met along the way.

It's comforting, but also occasionally terribly lonely.  I cherish their evidence, but am nonetheless reminded that they're no longer in my life to share with me.

I really do sanctify their relics.

pairika: (Default)
Venus Square Mars (null)Square,
activity period from middle of July 2007 until middle of October 2007.

Physical attraction

Valid during several months: This influence usually arouses your interest in finding or enjoying a partner and contributes to the physical side of a sexual relationship. But its energy may cause discord, especially if there are hidden tensions in the relationship. A reasonably healthy relationship will have little difficulty during this time. But if your relationship is in trouble, you will probably have arguments and other forms of discord, all arising from unexpressed sexuality. If you are not currently involved in a sexual relationship, you will probably be inordinately attracted to find a partner, without being very discriminating. Therefore this is not the best influence under which to start a relationship, since it may be based only on physical attraction. 

'nuff said... so say the Stars.

Fortunately, I'm rather unencumbered by "caution" in considering my romantic involvements.
pairika: (Default)

Really cool article on the subconscious brain... "Who's Minding the Mind?"...

I really am fascinated by the subconscious workings -- especially now that there's more and more evidence that we're not all about the conscious thoughts and far less conscious of our own deeper motives than we think!  Plus, the idea of subtle cues that influence our behaviour to a great degree is really neat.
pairika: (Default)

Ah, yes... neglected to post that I'd finished the HP book last Friday eve.  Tied up the ends rather satisfactorily, although I was generally dismayed at the body count racked up by the end of the book.  Really... was it entirely necessary?

And that final "epilogue" chapter umpteen years later...?  So treacly, I think I must have several more cavities.  Really can't stand the HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY endings.  Sure, they all suffered some pretty grueling and gruesome 7 years, but total Utopian perfectly-paired bliss is just unnecessary.  A denoument that I could totally have done without.  I mean, I guess I just don't find it the least realistic (and wands and magic and Dementors are, I hear you ask lugubriously...?).  Of course not, but it's... just the principle!  Struggles to overcome adversity are noble and engaging to contemplate!  Complacent slouching bliss is boring.  Tedious.  *yawn*.

BUT then, I suppose there's no need for a conflict to keep the reader engaged when the story's finished.  No reason to keep us interested, so why not let them all happily interbreed and procreate in the speculative future, right?

Still I say, ugh!.   And yes, I guess I AM a bitter ol' spinster with cats!  So *nyah*!!!  >=p

(But still pretty enough to be Miranda!)

I survive on my rapier wit alone!!!

pairika: (Default)
Now at page 536.

I find the writing style of the HP books sometimes really annoys me, as it seems to take the characters FOREVER to come to the conclusions that I came to many chapters before.  Get on with it!  Really irritating... and agonizing... to have to wait while they catch up.  I wonder if it's just my overactive intuition.  I've always been keen to form connections between events, read clues and put things together really quickly.  Pattern recognition is always on.  Always have found it difficult to understand that other people don't necessarily make the same connections, or simply don't reach them as quickly.  Just seems elementary to me. 

But then again, I'm not 16 years old either.  =)

Of course, it sometimes leads to me making connections where there aren't any... you know, weird paranoia that other people are acting as *meaningfully* as I suspect they might be.  More often than not, they're just oblivious.  But I've usually spent a few weeks driving myself nuts...!

Eh.  Well, guess I'll be finished the book sometime 'tween tonight and tomorrow.
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Page 289.  Guess I'm not really a rabid HP fan.

I find it interesting so far.  Curious how all the threads will be tied up, but not particularly motivated to power through it like those who got it at 12:00am Saturday and finished by 3 or 4 am.  And it's the only one I actually have bought.  The last 6 I'd borrowed from friends or the local library.  Just not in a hurry for anything to be over.  (I've always dreaded the ends of things anyway).

Lately, in fact (and I guess this is related to the fear of things ending) I've been collecting things and then most compulsively saving them to enjoy/read/use at a later time.  It's quite strange, like I'm procuring things to look forward to, but then never get around to actually perusing or using.  Like, there's this food magazine from Australia I buy religiously, every month.  But when do I actually read them?  Just keep putting them away "for later"...  So weird that I've now started procrastinating my pastimes to have something to look forward to enjoying, even if I never actually do get around to enjoying them!


Tempest rehearsals are actually starting to come together regularly now.  I imagine August we'll begin to really gear up, while September will be fine-tuning and serious tightening.  At this point, we're still trying to get the second play, Winter's Tale online.  Can't seem to get a director set.  

Not to mention, we're still seeing actors coming in for auditions --  it's so funny -- there's these young female actors, either high school or college age, all reading the exact same Miranda lines!!  Guess I really do have the much coveted female lead role!!


Jul. 17th, 2007 09:12 pm
pairika: (Default)
hot-eyed ardour;
Prince of Air
and Fire.
of lurid promise~
a suggestion;
that begs no answer.
of subtlety;
divine seduction
of senses.
carelessly strewn
rose garden paths.
Sweet strain,
of barest reed;
the interlude
of delicious subtext.
A graze
of fingertips
at the wrist;
the thoughtless kiss
that breaks the spell
of self-denial.
pairika: (Default)

So, it's official.  We've started up Tempest rehearsals and whoa, is it going to be a doozy of a ride this time!  More action, more movement, more intrigue, more fun, just MORE of everything.  (And yes... to my adolescent delight, more KISSING.)  

Our director is already so delighted with the way it looks so far, and we've only had a handful of rehearsals.  He's already able to see where we can take this one.  Imagine how fabulous we're going to be by actual production dates!  And I just love that there are so many people from the last production all in it again.  Makes for a comforting cameraderie that enables each of us to elevate our performances!  Goddess help me, but I rather love the incestuous intimacy that usually accompanies theatre companies!  The potential for complete immersion is just so heady and rich.  Really feels like the most intense kind of living to me.  (Such an NF 4w5 dramaqueen, I be!)  If I have any quality of addictive personality at all, it'd definitely be an overfondness of intense emotional experience.  I do crave it so, especially when I've been through a few years of bone dry desert in that regard.

I confess!  I'm a romance junkie and I CRAVE the sublime in all things!!

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Was reading an interesting article in the New York Times Sunday Magazine about Williams syndrome, when I came across the concept of "theory of mind" (which I'd never heard named before):

btw... anyone with a background or interest in neurogenetics/neurobiology and behavior will find this article interesting.  There's a comparison of the Williams cognitive deficit with those of autism and Down's.  Really quite fascinating to see just how complex and delicate our social behaviour and neurobiology is.  

I find the idea of "theory of mind" quite interesting for predictive purposes in dealing with others.  No doubt I have a blind spot in "social intelligence" to some degree.  Perhaps it's willful -- I always avoided learning those kinds of group etiquettes.  Thus, I'm left at this point in my life with a deficit in reading reactions at times -- especially those times when I'm trying to establish a friendship or relationship.  It's a nerve-wracking period of time, worrying that I'm not capable of reading someone accurately and fearing the rejection if I read "wrong".  Certainly, I'm not entirely blind, but the subtleties of interpretation are often starkly baffling.  Not to mention, if it's MORE important to me that I get it "right", I'm constantly second-guessing and looking for assurances that I'm not making huge errors in reading reactions.   Those times are particularly frustrating -- it's often like my intuitive ability has been scrambled.

I just like to know I'm not making a complete fool of myself in front of a potential friend/interest.

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It does seem to me sometimes that when I'm trapped in the abyss of fatalistic thinking, this two-fold rule holds: 

1.)  If I dwell on negative outcomes, they are more likely to happen
2.)  Even if I concentrate on the best outcome, it still will not happen

Typical.  Either way I get trounced by my own irrational illogic.

So, I have been obsessing about my constant dearth of romantic options.  Let it be said that I HATE the concept of "arranged" dating in all its forms.  Basically, I guess I just hate dating.  Can I just skip it and go straight to the "You like me, I like you", lets-get-to-the-romance part?  Guess not...  *sigh*

And if you all (the whole handful of ya) haven't yet noted my new icon, it's a closeup pic of Waterhouse's "Miranda" from the Tempest -- now my coveted NEW role in our Fall production!  (And yes, I am planning to grow my hair to as close to that length as it can get by late October.)  Director has just sent us requests for read throughs and rehearsal availabilities.  Yay!

At least this time onstage, I get to indulge in some requited love.

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