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I've been poring over things again lately.  Going over the past and the present, turning certain experiences over in my mind to try and see them from different perspectives.

For example... I am rarely pleased with a photograph of myself.  99% of the time, they seem entirely unflattering, just another reminder that I don't measure up favorably to whomever I compare myself to.  In fact, beneath that fear of being unattractive, is the belief/fear that I simply don't deserve someone who loves me for me.  "Me" simply doesn't feel like anywhere near enough to hold anyone's interest for long.  What can I really offer any attractive, interesting, supportive guy that some other woman 10 years younger, prettier, and sexier doesn't?  There's my instant sense of always feeling "less than" and underestimating any impact I could have on anyone.  But sometimes, I can look at myself and see an attractive, supportive, interesting person who IS just as valid as any 20-something.  My validity isn't even really the issue; rather, it's what any individual person VALUES.  

And there's nothing I can do to sway someone if our values don't overlap.

Been thinking about this very "natural" kind of attraction and physical contact that I've had with a few guys in the past.  With Dave.  It seems he was drawn to me in a certain way -- a kind of tenderness that I valued immensely, that felt so fulfilling, so special between us.  It didn't even occur to me that he might not value it as I did.  In the end, I had to assume it simply didn't mean as much to him, perhaps he never even consciously thought about what it meant at all.  Comfortable, but not "bonding" him to me in any significant manner.  But for me, that kind of comfort was highly prized.  Something I still seek; an instant trust and rapport.  An ease of being with someone else that I've never found common; a rare flower that blooms once a decade or so.  A flower I can't seem to hold...

I don't know what it means, really.  A yearning that I can't seem to satisfy.  Something rare that is all elusiveness and brief candles.  It appears, just to vanish with no path to follow to seek it again.  

I am left grasping with an empty palm.

Date: 2007-12-06 06:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] uranium-orchid.livejournal.com
I know this quote mentions art, but it really applies to all of life:

"There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever anytime. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others. If I add something to my time, then that is my prize."

—Martha Graham

Date: 2007-12-07 01:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pairika.livejournal.com
That quote is really quite staggering in its depth. I'll definitely have to pick it apart and let it seep into my consciousness over time.

As Fours, I think we're especially prone to compare "worth" to others. And it's so easy for us to measure and fall short in any area. I keep wondering, "When will I learn the trick to gaining what I most long for??"

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