Sep. 11th, 2007

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Talking to a friend at work today about events of last night's rehearsal, she pointed out that some people simply don't think about the meaning behind their actions.  ie: they act and react according to unconscious motives.  Of course, I find this very difficult to comprehend, as I'm almost always keenly aware (often painfully self-conscious) of my actions, intents and am usually quite careful not to give the wrong impressions.  I'm not inclined to touch someone carelessly, casually, especially if I think my intent will be misinterpreted.  Not to mention, that I simply don't "touch" easily (hence, personal space issues).  Physical affection, public displays, small intimacies... always difficult to reach toward someone and not fear that he will reject me.  Sometimes, of course, it's natural.  There's simply a sense that the other person welcomes and reciprocates the feeling.  When I'm not sure, I refrain.  Sometimes, I touch tentatively and observe the reaction.

This train of thought brought to mind my experience with Dave, maybe a month or so after we had spent a mere couple of outings together.  I was working one night in B&N, and he had come in to visit.  He walked up behind me while I was shelving and embraced me, leaned in and kissed me gently on the temple, affectionately called me some pet name.  We weren't technically involved.  He had a girlfriend.  Yet, I didn't feel he was being inappropriate in any way; but of course, I pondered what it meant.  So free -- so close, so quickly without any hesitation.  He wasn't that way with anyone else.  At least not to that extreme.  It was curious... but I loved his ability to touch me so easily.

Much later, I questioned him about it.  What would prompt him to do something so intimate so readily when we hardly knew each other?  He shrugged and furrowed his brow in groping for a reason.  He told me he didn't know.   "But it just seemed natural...", he finished.

He really never questioned the meaning of his impulse.  He just acted.

Difficult for me to grasp... my friend this morning went on to say that confronting someone acting via unconscious impulse inevitably pushes them to acknowledge hidden feelings, intentions.  Setting off questioning about themselves, not the least of which is how someone else can perceive something about themselves they don't.  Reminds me of another person I once knew who told me I say things that force people to deal with things they're not ready to deal with...  I don't mean to be arrogant when I question how someone can be unaware of their own feelings.  But I suppose there are just some that aren't inclined to search for meanings in their actions.

Which leaves those of us who do to ponder...

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pairika

November 2008

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