Aug. 19th, 2007

pairika: (Default)
When I was in high school, I was somewhat naive.  Slow developer, didn't kiss anyone until I was 17... yadda, yadda, etc.  In my senior year, I finally began to get a bit more confident about the opposite sex, about lots of things, but still not familiar with the ways of men.  Still not "experienced". 

There was a guy in my class named Chris LaRosa.  Really cute, smooth, flirty and in the drama club.  He was in my homeroom as well as physics.  In physics, we sat rather near each other, so got to chatting about tests, homework, etc.  Before one test, somehow the topic of studying together outside of school was mentioned.  (Whose idea?)  Needless to say, I was really excited that he'd sought me out -- and gushed to my friend Lauren about my amazing news.  No, she wasn't enthusiastic at all, didn't share my excitement... all she did was warn me sternly that he was known for being promiscuous and that I should be careful not to let him take advantage of me.

My reaction?  Fury.  Defiance.  

I felt like she believed I couldn't make my own decisions, like she was admonishing me as though I was a helpless child who needed to be told better.  Like I couldn't handle the consequences of my actions.  My first thought was to make sure we met, just to SPITE her.  I guess I can be pretty defiant when people try to put limits on me.  I really can't stand the wagging finger in my face.  Even proverbially.

At any rate, we exchanged phone numbers.  He called later and we arranged to meet at the county library, second floor at a particular date and time.  In the end, all that occurred was studying, anyway.  I'm not sure if maybe he was looking for some sign that I was receptive to an advance.  And maybe I didn't know that.  I still don't know what the secret sign is, actually.  Either that, or I'm just unwilling to throw myself at a guy obviously enough.  I prefer subtlety, really.  Too suggestive leaves no room for imagination.

Anyway.  I guess my point is that I don't feel I need to be told to be careful.  I'm already too careful.  I'd really like someone to encourage me to take more risks.  I love that friends care enough that they don't want to see me get hurt, but in the end, it just feels like they're pouring cold water on my enthusiasm.  And there's always the paranoia that they know something I don't that they're just not telling me...

In the end, their good intentions just cause me to think, worry and doubt myself more.  And I do that enough. 

I haven't been intimately involved with someone for 3 years.  Isn't it about time??


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