Aug. 8th, 2007

pairika: (Default)
Had a panic attack last night.

First one.  Don't recall ever having had something like that before.  Came outta the blue, woke me up out of a sound sleep.  At first, I thought I was having another episode of gastroenteritis (like the one that sent me to the hospital last year).  Felt really similar.  Sweating, heart racing, nausea, antsy, dread, felt like I couldn't breathe, wanted to go somewhere, but couldn't really think straight.  At first, I just went into the living room to get a drink from my water bottle (had left it there) hoping that would help.  Then I felt like I might upchuck so I went back toward the bathroom to "prepare" myself.  Wasn't sure that was quite it, so I simply lay down on the bathroom floor on my back.  Stared at the ceiling, repeating softly to myself, "This will pass, this will pass..." and shortly, the fear did begin to subside.  I felt it ebbing away and went back and laid down on the bed.  My skin began to feel cooler and I could again feel my ceiling fan.

Strange.

I guess it's just a bunch of stress reactions that I've been suppressing for a while.  Don't know what specifically.  Maybe the fear that I'll be single forever?  That I have NO clue what I'm ever doing in relationships and don't seem to ever have an actual opportunity to work through it?  Never caused me to bolt upright in the middle of the night before.  (Although there was that time when Tom sleeping draped over me made me feel like I couldn't breathe).

And then to find out today that one of our main cast members is dropping out of the production.  Am I psychic?  Or are these two things likely unrelated?

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pairika

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