Jun. 27th, 2007

pairika: (Default)

Yes, I had another birthday over the past weekend.  Two years shy of the big 4-0... (I'm now in my rather late 30s).  

And I find myself wondering whether I'll ever get over the crippling insecurity I usually have contemplating actual intimate relationship with the opposite sex.  You'd think I'd not be such a nervous freak by now.  Yet I always have such anxiety extending myself to someone I have even the smallest hint of romantic interest in.  I'm sure most will say the more you practice something, the more confident you get with it.  But, this kind of issue is just something I don't see myself "exercising" all that frequently, as I rarely find myself too interested.  I guess I was due, as it's been quite a while, and my last crush was kind of a "safe" one.

I note my pattern of frantic predictive activity: trying any and all forms of divination to predict IF things will go anywhere, WHERE if they do, WHAT I should say, HOW I should correctly approach the objet d'affection to maximize my success factor, etc...  All quite obvious (yet irrational!) strategies to avoid rejection by controlling the outcome. 

*sigh*.  I guess I would simply do so much better to just avoid romance altogether.  Too bad I really like the hormone rush... Quite an addictive high.

What was it Oscar Wilde posited?

"The very essence of love is uncertainty... "
Importance of Being Earnest

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pairika

November 2008

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