Jun. 12th, 2007

pairika: (spirit of the night)

Hrmmm... Tuesday already.  Don't really know what to do with myself this week.  It's our form of the "biweek" and we don't have a pickup rehearsal until Thursday night.  Feeling really restless and ambivalent.  I mean, I'm so gratified that we came through our first weekend of shows triumphant and happy, but next weekend means it will be all over (for now at least).  

I really dread endings. 

Not to mention, my friend from work is also leaving at the end of the week.  Seems like these things always compound.  Too many "conclusions" at once.  Like in 5th Grade when my father passed away and my best friend moved away mere months later.  I guess those events lie squarely at the root of my abandonment issues.   Perhaps I was always insecurely attached --- but my interpretation of these occurrences crystallized into the belief that I will be left.  Some deep-seated fear that I just don't have what it takes to "bond" adequately with people I really care for.  And I seem to lack the easy ability to establish relationships.  I overthink, I worry, I freak out.

Think less, I guess.  That's the answer.

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pairika

November 2008

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