Jun. 6th, 2007

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You think that I go home at night
take off my clothes
turn off the light
But I burn letters that I write.
To you
To make you love me...

~~Liz Phair/Extraordinary

Been feeling vulnerable and frustrated, exhausted and slighted, like I'm just barely treading water.  With the play and all my "real life" responsibilities, I haven't felt able to just BE for quite a while.  

The past few nights, all of my various issues finally caught up to me -- Monday we were finally in the "space" for the play and after much setting up, moving things around, being sent out for supplies and returning again, there was simply no time left to rehearse.  Backtracking a bit -- I volunteered to go out and acquire extension cords, casters, plugs, etc. and was summarily sent by the director with the best-looking (and single) guy in the cast.  Initially, I thought this a certain stroke of Fortune, but was quickly disabused of that notion.  Whereas recent groupings of us actors had brought us together with others, throwing the two of us together alone proved awkward... and thereafter made me quite despondent, as I perceived the growing distance.  I felt uncomfortable, seemed to feel his discomfort, which made me even moreso.  And of course my subjective feelings spiraled more and more irrationally out of control.  By the time we returned, I could only feel an abyss, where I once had hope of something more.  Foolish and awkward... set back and feeling like I'd lost ground in ever getting to know him better.  The full force of my romantic baggage slammed into me and knocked the wind out of me. I went home that night and wept bitterly.

 Despite the obvious detriment in comparing present to past, I could only see myself irresistibly reliving the same problems with someone new. Train of thought derailing: He reminds me of X; He seems terrified of me..; Oh God, did I scare him off already?; What IS my @$&! problem?; Why does this keep happening to me??; Why would I even *think* he'd be attracted to me... and so on, ad infinitum. Self-doubt is just SO effective at entirely crippling me emotionally until I’m a basket case wreck. Sometimes it just feels like I can’t breathe. That a door slams shut and I’m blindfolded and locked in a small dark closet with my endlessly churning mind repeating the ultimate hopelessness of never escaping the same stupid merry-go-round that is my tortured relationship with relationships. Part of me just feels he’s probably inappropriate, another part wants a decent shot but doesn’t know how, yet another part just feels he’s too attractive to want me after all the nubile girls he could (and probably does) easily score. *sigh*

Last night, the madness continued cresting and I really felt like I would burst or otherwise simply implode.  After an extremely frustrating rehearsal, I was dangerously close to complete hysterical meltdown.  I stalked around the hall like a restless wild animal, threatened and defensive.  In the back of my mind, was the concern that others were finding me difficult, sullen, petulant, and worst of all: horribly unattractive.  The perception that everyone else was just fine and dandy made me even more self-conscious that I simply couldn't handle/contain my own feelings.  So inadequate, so hopeless... no wonder people want to get away from me.  I left.

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November 2008

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