Apr. 8th, 2007

pairika: (Default)
So... this week (the previous, I refer to) has been quite long and busy.  Actually felt like the events of 2 or 3 weeks all packed into one.  Let's see...

Monday -- All day "innovation seminar" at work.  My group has recently been merged with a few others and we all apparently required introductions and urgings to be innovative.  We were cloistered all day in a meeting room -- (although provided with breakfast and lunch) -- to listen to various presentations from members of the department working on various projects in various locations.  Most of which, I confess, I had little understanding or desire to understand.  Over my head, basically.  Talking about IT architecture, customer-facing applications, various high-level goings-on... At least in the morning, the talk was tedious and mostly irrelevant to me.  I imagine that suddenly the upper management wanted to in one day, acquaint all us peons with all the projects occupying their time.  Having not been in on the development previously, or even familiar with the terminologies required, we cannot really hope to understand or find it interesting in the least.  The afternoon was markedly more interesting to me personally -- products I was familiar with, developments that I could at least hope to comprehend.

And then after all those -- our compulsory "brainstorming" session where upper management hoped to wring a brand new profitable product out of us in a mere few hours.  Ugh.

Then, if all that were not enough -- there was an "invitation" to dinner to extend the day further.  Granted, it was a sumptious meal -- most of us were treated to filet mignon with copious amounts of wine and beer at a new restaurant.  Was it worth the day?  Eh.  I don't know.  But suffice it to say that the day was interminably long for me.  Really struggled just to stay awake much of the time.  I was completely drained after spending 12+ hours straight sitting around listening to work-speak.  Didn't get home until 10:00pm.

Then had to go in the next day for another morning of work seminar!  Arggh!  Mercifully, only a half-day.  Over by lunchtime; although it seemed like they didn't really want to let us go even after all that!  (The German IT guy just would NOT shut up.)


Apr. 8th, 2007 06:55 pm
pairika: (Default)
So... the week continued.  And on Thursday, the Shakespeare Co. had an unofficial "callback" for anyone who'd auditioned in the previous sessions.  Acting was never something I'd attempted, basically because I'm quite self-conscious.  I have immense difficulty "losing" myself in a character, and I seem to have a kind of blindness to how I'm really perceived.  However, the emotional aspect of channeling feeling, tapping into a kind of universal consciousness appeals to me.  I've always thought that was somewhat magical.  In a way, the actor is a medium.  Able to transport the individual to another place.  The concept of channeling and "possession" was always interesting.  I do resonate quite strongly with the Romantic notion of the sublime

Anyway.  I read again for a couple of female roles.  Being blind to how I might have captured the performance, I had no clue which role the director might think I was appropriate for.  As it turned out, he ended up offering me the lead female in the play (All's Well that Ends Well), Helena.  Shock, really...

But it's also immensely exciting.  Of course, I keep worrying in the back of my mind that he somehow made a mistake.  And that he'll tell me so at the next rehearsal when I show up.  (How's that for self-confidence, eh?)

I guess it's rather appropriately fated that I take on the character, though.  She's exactly the image of who I used to be.  In love with a guy who spurns her feelings for him, she can't help but pursue him through various "extreme" (read: obsessive) means.  

But I've spent the last 5 odd years trying to put all those habits BEHIND me.

And now, it behooves me to resurrect them all for the sake of art.  I've read the lines... and recall all the feelings.  Feeling compelled to pursue the beloved, but fearful of rejection that seems entirely inevitable.  There's a certain shade of self-loathing that comes from feeling you have to keep trying, but somehow always expecting to be "unworthy".  I guess it never entered my thinking process that somehow the other might not be "worthy" of MY love.  It seemed always to be a matter of my needing to prove my devotion.  And eventually he'd recognize my worth, my pureness of heart.  And he'd love ME in return.  The "Love Conquers All" Romantic ideal.  It was quite my religion in those days... 

Love was the temple in which I worshipped and sacrificed myself.

At any rate, here I am, looking back on those experiences, those destructive patterns, and finally have given them up for the sake of my sanity.  Crippling depression and constant insecurity isn't really a recipe for day-to-day function, let alone ultimate fulfillment.  What I was doing in those "relationships" simply never worked to bring me happiness.  I hated myself for letting myself be used for the sake of someone else, hoping that eventually, he'd find he couldn't live without me.  He NEVER did, though.  Maybe it was my own fear of actually being involved that drove me to chose the unavailable.  Maybe it seemed safe.  Whatever would I do if someone actually WANTED me.  Could I ever really believe that?


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